Narcissism: The Unavoidable Trait We All Share and How to Manage It

Narcissism is often seen as a harmful trait, associated with people who are manipulative, self-obsessed, and emotionally unavailable. However, every person embodies narcissistic tendencies to some extent. Whether it’s craving recognition, avoiding failure, or seeking validation, we all exhibit these traits from time to time. Understanding how narcissism manifests in ourselves and others can be empowering. It equips us to manage our reactions and enhance our ability to communicate, collaborate, and co-exist with narcissists. The key isn’t to change the narcissist; it’s learning how to effectively manage our responses to them.

In his powerful book Transcend: The New Science of Self-Actualization, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., states that "all of us have narcissistic tendencies to one degree or another." This insight serves as a reminder that narcissism isn’t reserved for a select few individuals—it exists within all of us in varying forms. By recognizing this, we can better understand our own behavior and how narcissism influences the people around us. This awareness allows us to approach relationships with greater empathy and emotional intelligence, rather than frustration or resentment.

Interacting with narcissists, particularly those with grandiose or vulnerable traits, can invoke stress and frustration. The real superpower lies in managing ourselves—our reactions, boundaries, and emotional resilience—when dealing with narcissists. This article will explore two types of narcissism through the lens of two fictional characters, Alex and Emma, and provide practical tips on how to manage yourself when interacting with narcissists, both in personal and professional contexts.

Alex: The Grandiose Narcissist

Alex is a charismatic, high-powered executive at a tech company. He’s the first to speak up in meetings, often interrupting others to assert his ideas as the best. His corner office, high salary, and connections give him a sense of invincibility. Alex believes he’s destined for greatness and often reminds his colleagues of his previous successes, whether they care to hear them or not. His confidence is magnetic, drawing others to him at social events and professional gatherings. However, his charm quickly turns into arrogance, and people often feel overshadowed by his need to dominate conversations and take credit for joint efforts.

In his personal life, Alex enjoys being the center of attention, whether it’s at family gatherings, social events, or even casual dinner parties. He often talks over his partner and friends, steering conversations back to his accomplishments and future plans. Alex views his relationships as a way to reinforce his image—he prefers to surround himself with people who admire him or rely on him for guidance. He’s unwilling to accept feedback, brushing off any critique with dismissive comments like, “They just don’t understand my vision.” His relationships are often transactional; Alex offers support and advice only when it serves his need for control and admiration.

Professionally, Alex is known for his ability to get results, often through manipulation and exploitation. When a team member comes up with an innovative idea, Alex finds a way to present it as his own to upper management. If a project fails, he deflects the blame onto his colleagues, protecting his image at all costs. His disregard for others’ needs and opinions alienates him from his team, who feel frustrated and undermined. Yet, Alex thrives in environments where there’s a clear hierarchy and he’s at the top. He sees himself as a visionary, destined for success, and expects others to fall in line.

Despite his outward confidence, Alex is deeply insecure. He’s constantly seeking external validation, and his need to be admired often makes him blind to the negative impact he has on others. When faced with criticism or pushback, Alex either dismisses it or becomes defensive, viewing it as a threat to his carefully crafted image. He has little empathy for others and sees their emotions or needs as obstacles to his success.

Emma: The Vulnerable Narcissist

Emma is a talented graphic designer working for a boutique marketing firm. Unlike Alex, Emma is introverted and often shies away from the spotlight. She’s diligent in her work and produces high-quality designs, but her self-esteem is fragile. In the office, Emma avoids meetings where she might be asked to share her ideas, fearing that if she speaks up, she’ll be judged or criticized. She works late into the night to ensure her designs are flawless, but when someone else receives praise for their work, she feels deeply humiliated and questions her worth.

In her personal life, Emma is often seen as the supportive friend who listens to others but rarely shares her own struggles. She is intensely private, avoiding conversations about her own emotional needs or vulnerabilities. When someone offers her help or asks about her well-being, she becomes anxious, fearing that they’ll see her as weak or dependent. Emma craves compliments and validation, but she hides this need behind a facade of independence, terrified that others will think less of her if they knew how much she relied on their praise.

Emma’s relationships are often tinged with a quiet resentment. She becomes irritated when people don’t notice how good a person she is, but instead of addressing it, she withdraws. Emma avoids confrontation, but when criticized, she internalizes the feedback, replaying it in her mind and becoming increasingly anxious. She wants to be admired and respected, but she fears that opening up will expose her insecurities. As a result, she isolates herself emotionally, hoping that people will somehow see her value without her having to express her needs.

Professionally, Emma works hard to gain recognition, but when others succeed, she feels slighted. She avoids asking for promotions or raises, believing that her work should speak for itself, and when it doesn’t, she feels betrayed. Emma’s fear of rejection and failure often prevents her from taking risks or asserting herself, leading to missed opportunities. She surrounds herself with colleagues and friends who depend on her because their reliance makes her feel important, but this one-sided dynamic leaves her feeling unfulfilled and resentful.

Emma embodies vulnerable narcissism: she craves validation and recognition but is too afraid to express her needs. Her low self-esteem and sensitivity to criticism make her anxious and withdrawn, but beneath her quiet exterior lies the same need for admiration and approval as someone like Alex.

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Tips for Managing Yourself When Interacting with Narcissists

Interacting with narcissists like Alex and Emma can be emotionally draining, but the key is to manage yourself, not the narcissist. Here are specific tips on how to effectively navigate these relationships:

1. Acknowledge That You Cannot Change Them
   The most important step in managing a relationship with a narcissist is accepting that you cannot control their behavior. Narcissists, especially grandiose ones like Alex, are unlikely to change in response to confrontation. Instead of focusing on trying to change them, focus on managing your own reactions and setting boundaries.
2. Set Clear Boundaries and Stick to Them
   Narcissists often test limits, so it’s essential to set firm boundaries. Be clear about what behaviors you won’t tolerate, such as manipulation or emotional exploitation, and don’t be afraid to enforce those boundaries. Whether it’s a colleague who consistently takes credit for your work or a friend who drains your emotional energy, boundaries are crucial.
3. Don’t Engage in Power Struggles
   Narcissists thrive on control and will often provoke power struggles. Avoid getting sucked into their games. If a grandiose narcissist like Alex is trying to outshine you or dominate a conversation, resist the temptation to compete. Instead, stay calm, confident, and neutral, allowing their behavior to play out without engaging.
4. Detach Emotionally
   Narcissists often invoke strong emotional reactions, whether it’s frustration, anger, or hurt. Learn to detach emotionally and view their behavior objectively. If Emma’s passive-aggressive tendencies irritate you or Alex’s arrogance provokes anger, remind yourself that their behavior is rooted in their own insecurities. Detachment helps protect your emotional well-being.
5. Don’t Take It Personally
   Narcissists, especially vulnerable ones like Emma, can make you feel overlooked or unappreciated. Remind yourself that their behavior is a reflection of their own struggles, not a judgment of your worth. If a narcissist doesn’t validate you, it’s not because you lack value—it’s because they’re too focused on themselves.
6. Protect Your Energy
   Narcissists can drain your energy, whether they’re constantly seeking attention or using you as emotional support. Limit your exposure when possible, and prioritize self-care. It’s okay to say no to their demands or distance yourself when the relationship becomes overwhelming.
7. Reframe Their Behavior
   Viewing the narcissist’s behavior through a lens of empathy can help diffuse tension. Recognize that grandiose narcissists are often masking deep insecurities and that vulnerable narcissists are operating from a place of fear. Reframing their actions doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it helps you approach the relationship with less emotional baggage.
8. Focus on What You Can Control
   You cannot control how a narcissist will act, but you can control how you respond. Focus on what’s within your power—your mindset, your emotional boundaries, and your reactions. By focusing on your own behavior, you reclaim your power in the relationship.

I Offer You This: Your Power in the Face of Narcissism

Narcissism is a trait that we all embody from time to time, but for some people, like Alex and Emma, it defines how they interact with the world. Learning to manage these relationships, whether in personal or professional settings, is a skill that can transform your ability to communicate, collaborate, and coexist with narcissists. Your power lies not in changing them, but in managing yourself. By recognizing that you cannot control a narcissist’s behavior and focusing on your own reactions, you gain the superpower to navigate these challenging relationships with grace and confidence.

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